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So Many ‘Good Men’ Still Single
We live in a society that places a great deal of emphasis on outwardly appearances, titles, status, and ethnicity. As a single, Black man who has yet to find his soul mate, I am also guilty of this. I interact with thousands of men and women with various life problems and have come to understand that behind every behavior there is an emotional or psychological issue associated with that behavior.
I’m often approached by women seeking my personal and professional advice on how to cope with single, “good” men who are perceived to be qualified (financially stable, focused, driven, spiritual, family values, etc.), but will not commit. So I’ve been working on a new film, to be released in Washington, D.C., Qualified, Yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single. The film highlights some of the personal, interpersonal and emotional challenges that influence why some good men decide to remain single. Through heartbreak trauma, peer pressure, and negative societal influences, a diverse group of fifteen men from Atlanta, D.C., Maryland and Saint Louis share heartfelt and thought-provoking stories about their decisions to remain single.
My hope is that single men will think deeply about their lifestyles just as single women should consider looking beyond a “good” man’s surface to recognize that qualifications do not make a man qualified to be in a relationship. By focusing primarily on a man’s resume, physical appearance, and their perceived ability to provide and protect, women will never understand men or receive true love. While it is true that most men engage in similar behavior, I do not believe that behavior can be fully understood by placing labels on people—this includes women.
In my personal and professional assessment, I believe that Black men and women struggle with relationships because a large percentage of us either fight or flight when we perceive that we are being attacked. When we feel offended by our counterpart, our initial responses is to fight (inflict pain, judgment, etc.) or flight (leave). I am extremely bothered by the fact that these two responses are so embedded in our psyche and behavior. Unfortunately, many of us are quick to judge without taking the time to explore issues in detail. Commonly, most conflict between the sexes occur when individuals react pre-maturely and emotions diminish the ability to think and respond, objectively.
Qualified, Yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single is for women and men who want to gain a better understanding of why some single good men express a desire to marry, my personal story included. Both the film and book are available at drbuckingham.com and Amazon.com.
Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham is a psychotherapist and author of “Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single.” He’s also founder and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, LLC in Maryland. Tweet Dr. Buckingham at @DrDBuckingham.